It can be a difficult time – the old, empty-nest syndrome may sneak in and you get sad. Then again, maybe they can’t seem to get out on their own soon enough – the old, full-house syndrome, and you get frustrated. Regardless of the emotions that swell up from time to time, you navigate the waters of change as best you can. Eventually, you come to realize that your child is truly an adult – and with any luck, they are happy.
We now have 4 adult children. Although each has a new life and new hurdles to jump, my hope for each one is still the same – I want them to be happy with the road they choose. They are all such different people, with different dreams, talents, skills and beliefs, but the differences that separate them, make them who they are – individuals unique to this world. As different as they are from each other, there is a common thread that ties them all – happiness.
Matt is autistic, but that doesn’t mean he’s not happy. Matt is probably the happiest guy I know. He has great self esteem and a wonderful sense of humor. The problem is that his self esteem is very fragile. This is why we must consider his future very, very carefully. Matt walks like he is in charge. He strides. His smile is genuine and his laughter contagious. He is nurtured here, in the same house he grew up in, with his parents. He is safe and can be at ease to be himself. That would change if Matt worked.
Matt could do almost any job that pays minimum wage, but it is just not something we will ever push him to do. Maybe you don’t realize this, but there are some very mean-spirited people in this world - people that make fun or pick on the weak. Matt can’t handle confrontation or verbal assault. He can’t deal with being told he is wrong or that he is inferior. All it would take is one crappy job that has one mean-spirited person and Matt would regress. We would lose years worth of work, years worth of successes, and we would lose the Matt we know. It simply isn’t worth the price.
People still try to talk me into getting Matt into a program for the disabled that will allow him to work and that the work in itself will somehow make him happy – but I think not. Matt is an artist. He thinks of himself as an artist and any job that is not as an artist would hurt him deeply. It would signify failure – and failure is something Matt still can not accept, especially in himself. Matt wants to be an artist and now my goal is to help him in his quest.
He took a photography class at the college and will be enrolled next fall in art. One class at a time seems an awfully slow route, but where’s the deadline here? Tom is venturing into doing photography as a sideline with hopes of having his own studio one day. Matt would fit right in there. He has a talent for seeing things others miss and his photographs are beautiful. He enters art contests on occasion and looks into art schools – but he is afraid – afraid of not understanding, afraid of failing, and this overwhelming fear that he carries with him is why we need to go so slow. Do all autistic children carry fear of failure? I wonder sometimes if others are like him or if this is one of those traits that make him unique. I suppose it doesn’t matter which, as I know what demon he faces and understand his reluctance to jump into anything without testing the waters.
Every child is different. Every autistic child is different. Matt has his own certain qualities that tell me that a job- just have a job - would destroy him. He loves his life – one that reflects his own personality. Autism robbed him of his future once, a long time ago, and we turned that around to where his future is bright again.
Why would I rob him of his future again?
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