NO!

No. Is there any word in the English language that upsets a parent more than the defiance of that word? Matt is a sweet and gentle soul – but he’s no angel. He has had his moments of defiance, pushing my patience to the limits, getting on that last, raw nerve – and it would always begin with “No!” He was regressing during the normal defiance behavior onset age of two. When autism set in he basically had to start from scratch, so he didn’t hit the terrible twos until he was close to 4 ½ years old. His first declaration was a surprise and I took it as progress, but the new expression became a routine – and that was not a welcome addition to his behavior.

No. It might be a certain show on television, time for bed, time to get up for school, time to eat, time for a haircut. It really was varied, so much so that no one incidence stands out in my mind as the story of the day. What does stand out are the battles - Matt vs. Momma.

Ding! Round one. “No Matt, you can’t play with that”, followed by Matt hiding the object behind his back. “Matt, put it down” followed by “No!” in his little child voice. Round one goes to Matt.

Ding! Round two. “Matt, give it here!” followed by a run for cover. Matt would try to hide with the item, someplace he thought would be beyond my reach. I would follow, but he was quick, diving behind furniture or running to his room to shut the door. “Stop, don’t run from me!” I would plead in my strongest mommy voice. He was defiant, never eased up on the pace, was quick as lightening, and escaped. Round two goes to Matt.

Ding! Round three. “Matt, open this door, open it right now!” “No!” came the reply from behind the safety of the door. “Get the key . . .” I would ask Tom, who up to this point had been a spectator along with Christopher. Tom would keep a semi-serious face, Christopher would smile – Matt was artfully dodging mommy, defiant and so far, getting away with it. How could he not be pleased? Tom would unlock the door and I would step past him and enter Matt’s room. Fireworks were about to erupt and Tom and Christopher kept their distance. Momma was getting . . . angry! Round three goes to momma.

Ding! Round four. I would put my hand out, look at Matt with a stern expression and say “Give it to me” in my most serious of voices – calm, soft, and forceful. Matt could go two different ways here: he could hand it to me, or put it behind his back. The second would force me to take it from him and this would initiate a physical struggle. Matt was strong and determined so even though he was small and young, this was no picnic. Either way, I would retrieve the item and hand it off to Tom. Matt, confused as to why I would deny him the item in the first place and angry that I could take it from him, would erupt with fists flying. Matt had a temper? Oh, yes - a hot, fiery temper. Strong? Oh my, yes. To counter the hits and defuse the temper I had to grab Matt from behind and pull him to the floor. There I would hold him tight, my arms across his chest holding his arms to his side to prevent him from swinging his fists, and my legs wrapped on top of his to prevent him from kicking. His head would still whip from side to side as I talked softly in his ear, telling him it was going to be alright until he finally broke down in tears. The tears would flow simultaneously with his body going limp – the fight in him dissipating. As he lay in my arms I would soothe him and explain why he couldn’t have the item. It was during this time of total vulnerability that he would actually focus on my voice and understand. Round four – the hardest of battles, went to momma, but it wasn’t triumphant. The battle wasn't really over until he knew I loved him and I knew he forgave me. In the end we both needed to feel as if we had won.

Nowadays I try to avoid that word when I talk to Matt. I will say “nah”, or “nope!” trying to keep my voice light. I learned that the communication cues he will perceive is all in the presentation of my voice, my facial expression, and my body gesture. He can’t stand the thought of me being angry – not at anyone, and especially not at him. I have to show him I am capable of holding my temper because I have expect him to control his too. We have moved on from the “terrible twos” behavior – actually, I haven’t had to force him to the floor in many, many years. That’s a really good thing seeing as Matt is a man now and he would never allow me to do such a thing.

So, fight the battles when their young so you don’t need to when their older. And never let a battle end before all is forgiven and the knowledge of your love has been reaffirmed.