This was really brought home to me last fall at Jacob and Felicia’s wedding. Wedding planning is a long and arduous task, taking months to prepare, deciding all the details from who will be in the wedding party to the decorations on the tables at the reception. In choosing the groomsman Jacob had decided to include each one of his good friends and both his step brothers, Christopher and Matt, for a total of 7 (yes, 7!). He revealed this to Tom and me before he actually asked them, giving me a chance to explain the role of a groomsman to Matt.
Matt hates dressing up – he’s a shorts and flip-flops kind-of-guy. I would have to appeal to his love for Jacob if I was going to get a yes out of him. I went in his room and sat down on the edge of his bed. He was playing a video game and I asked him to please pause it. He knew something was up. “You know Jacob is getting married in the fall, right?” I asked. “Uh, yes.” He replied. “In a wedding you have the people that are most important to you stand up with you and the guys are called the groomsmen”, I explained. Matt looked at me funny, as if trying to figure out where all this was leading. “Each groomsman wears a tux and stands in a long line next to the groom – like in Sarah and Paul’s wedding”. “Oh yes, I know!” Matt replied. I could tell he was picturing Sarah’s wedding the year before and understood the meaning of groomsman. “Only the special people in Jacob’s life are asked to stand next to him,” I continued, “and Jacob wants one of those special people to be you.” I held my breath waiting for his comment. If Matt would be uncomfortable or afraid he would tell me – Matt could be very blunt in his answers. “Oh my” was his only response. I needed to rephrase it a bit, “You are special to Jacob and he wants you to be in his wedding. Will you do this for him?” I held my breath again. “Yes!” The excitement in his voice was undeniable. I told him Jacob would be asking him soon.
When Jacob did ask Matt soon after Matt gave a smile and a yes and there were high-fives all around. Matt loved the high-fives. It was a man-type hug, one full of joy and smiles and triumph. Each high-five brought smiles and laughter and great compliments. Months went by without too much discussion about his role until it was time to get the tux fitted. Matt understood the fitting process because he’d had this done for his prom years before. Christopher was also a groomsman and went with us to get measured. Matt went through the process of fitting the tux as if he had done it a million times before and without complaint. Next would be the rehearsal.
At the rehearsal Matt met each of the young men involved. As parents of the groom it was our job to do the rehearsal dinner and Matt helped us at every turn. He put up tables, put the decorations up, and helped us to turn the activity room at the church into a banquet hall. We would not be having very many items on the menu that Matt would eat so Tom took Matt on a short road trip to McDonald’s for dinner about an hour before the attendants arrived.
Jacob and Felicia had decided we would all eat first and then rehearse. Guests began arriving. Matt went over and sat with Christopher and his date. There were so many people there that Matt had never met and I worried that he would get uncomfortable and disappear. But Matt stayed in the crowded room, and was engaged conversationally by his brothers and sister and other family members, allowing him to feel a part of the group.
During the rehearsal itself, Matt was shown where to stand, where to walk, and what to do. He would be the last of the groomsmen to enter and the last to leave. Felicia had 6 bridesmaids, leaving Matt to walk to the aisle alone. But a special twist was put into the recessional at this point. Matt would turn at the aisle, then stop at the front row and escort me out. We practiced. Matt seemed to take it all very seriously even though the rehearsal was quite playful and joyous. He did enjoy the laid-back atmosphere, but he took his groomsman-duty to be a very serious affair. Through out the evening Jacob and Felicia came by numerous times to talk with him and give high-fives. The bright smile on Matt’s face revealed just how much the added attention meant to him.
The next day was the wedding – the big day had finally arrived. Matt put his tux on in the bathroom at the church - Tom handing him each item of clothing. Matt obligingly put them on, a bit overwhelmed by just how much he had to wear and after completing this task followed Tom and Christopher to the room which held the groomsmen and Jacob. Jacob immediately came over and told Matt how good he looked – and again gave high-fives. The high-fives kept him focused on Jacob and kept him determined to do his best.
It was hours after dressing before the ceremony actually begun. I kept expecting Matt to just put on the brakes and declare he’d had enough, but that never happened. When the ceremony began we watched as Jacob entered, followed by each of the groomsmen - Matt was last. He stood at the end of the line and stayed in his position for the entire ceremony. This was very difficult for Matt. He used to just sit down in place or wander off when he was put in this type of position as a young boy. But Matt was not a young boy, he was a man, and his brother was counting on him. You could see the determination on his face – he would not let Jacob down, no way, no how.
When it came time for the recessional, Matt did exactly as he had practiced. His turn at the aisle was a sharp, quick, military style turn. He took a few steps forward to the first row. As he stopped he jutted his elbow out in my direction. I proudly took his arm and we walked back up the aisle to safety. Matt had done his job exactly as he had been shown with a bit of military flair added in to make it his.
The reception hall was packed. There was room for Tom and me at one of the tables with other family members. Christopher, Sarah, Paul and Matt were all to sit at the wedding table, but you know how people move around and chairs get pushed from one table to another. An empty chair was available next to Jacob, the chair meant for the best man. The best man had already taken up residence with his own wife at a small table close by. Jacob asked Matt if he would sit with him and Felicia.
Maybe this isn’t such a big deal to some but it was a big deal to me, to Tom and especially to Matt. Again, there were high-fives and smiles all around. Matt was looking very proud. His face said it all. He was sitting with Jacob and was very honored to do so. Matt took part that day in almost every activity. He even enjoyed it. He never seemed bothered by the crowd of strangers, never looked uncomfortable in his suit – just the shoes (we had him kick those off before entering the reception and replace them with his flip flops). I never would have imagined that Matt could handle that type of situation – from beginning to end – not in my wildest of dreams. Not only were Jacob and Felicia bonded together on that beautiful fall day. Jacob and Felicia cemented their bond with Matt.
And there were high-fives all around.
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