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Story of the Day

Stories from the early years, the school years and his adult life as they occur.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Six - yep, six

We became a Brady- Bunch type family almost 19 years ago. Christopher (mine) was 8, Jacob (Tom’s) was 7, Sarah (also Tom’s) was 6 and Matt (mine) was only 5. In forming the union of our marriage we were also forming the union of our children. Christopher was at that age where he needed to show everyone just who was in charge, Jacob and Sarah were both a bit shy but ready to defy their new brother in a heart beat, and Matt, well, Matt was Matt. We have no angels here (Matt comes close, of course). Week days we had only Christopher and Matt. Tom was the one trying to fit in. Weekends we had both Jacob and Sarah, bringing the number to the full 6. Six mouths to feed, 6 voices to be heard, 6 very different, very unique individuals, all under one roof. When the weekends hit it felt like all of us were learning how to interact socially, not just Matt.

Each of us had our good weekends and bad. Each of us at one time or another felt left out or ignored. Tom and I were always planning for the weekends. What would we do? Where should we go? What do we eat? Matt only ate Matt foods and I was use to this. Christopher ate anything that would not move too fast, Jacob absolutely loved hot dogs (still does) and Sarah would eat only out of a can – like spaghetti. Meals were stressful at first as we tried to adjust everything to please each one in some little way. After a while it all melded together and dinner became a real meal.

Each of the children was trying desperately to fit in. Children don’t always know how to treat other children – they must be taught. Each child had to learn how to treat an autistic child – their brother Matt. At first it was just Christopher I had to explain it to. He was feeling very left out because I spent so much time devoted to teaching Matt. I had to explain to him that it was only because Matt needed me more, that his brain had been injured and all the teaching I was doing with him was to help little Matt’s brain. He understood this enough to help me teach and that gave me more time to be with Christopher as well as Matt.

Jacob and Sarah learned of Matt’s autism early on. After that initial explanation they treated him OK but underneath they were also feeling a bit left out. Problem was I didn’t see it right away. Then one day as we were on our way home (from where I can’t remember) I heard the cruelty so often inflicted by children to other children. The kids had been laughing and talking and I hadn’t really been paying too much attention to their conversation until I heard Matt make animal noises. My ears pricked up. All three older kids were picking on Matt and having him make noises of animals, followed by laughter and more requests. “Matt, say oink, oink” Matt would oblige. Matt had entered the stage of echolalia and would repeat what he heard. “Oink, oink” he would say, but as an echo, not knowing he was imitating a pig. A request to “Bark like a dog!” was returned with “like a dog” from Matt, and then “No Matt, ruff, ruff” followed by “ruff, ruff” from Matt. I listened to a few of these exchanges and my blood began to boil. We had stopped for gas and Tom was in the store. I whipped around and staring disapprovingly at each of them, told them to knock it off. A silence filled the jeep – that is until I went on what felt like a 5 minute rampage, telling them they should be ashamed of themselves, that any one of them could have been autistic and how would they like to be treated that way. Matt wasn’t their pet or their toy, he was their brother. I conveniently stopped my tirade just as Tom got back in the car.

“What’s going on?” he said as he looked at me, then at the kids, then back at me. I told him what the kids had been doing and his face began to frown-up. “You should know better than that, I am disappointed in each of you!” he said calmly but forcefully.

Not a sound was heard for the rest of the drive home. We were only 10 minutes from the house, so this was not an eternity of silence, but it sure felt like. I was beginning to feel as though I had gone over board on the situation. Where they just being kids? Should I have left it alone? I doubted myself and began feeling as if I would never get this mom-to-4- kids thing down. And I thought of Matt. Why couldn’t Matt have been just another normal kid? Poor Matt would never be able to stick up for himself. People would be inclined to walk all over him - and this thought depressed me.

Shortly after we arrived home I was surprised to see each child attempt to apologize to Matt (who had absolutely no clue they had been making fun of him in the first place) and then was even more surprised when they apologized to Tom and I. Each one did this on their own, without us asking them to. Child after child made their way slowly over with shoulders slouched, tears in their eyes, and made a short statement that showed quilt and true remorse. Wow, they had really thought about this in the last 10 minutes! They actually understood and empathized with Matt! Good for them!

I never saw that type of behavior again – ever. What I did see was more energy put forth by each of them to help teach Matt, include him in activities and give him added attention. The changes made on that one day so long ago have continued to this day. And after many years Matt did learn to stick up for himself and he learned it from all his siblings. As for my fear that anyone could just walk all over Matt, well, it will never happen – not if this crew has anything to do about it!

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